So you have gotten the idea in your head that you would like to move in your partner and live happily ever after.
Your first mistake was assuming that it would be a ‘happily ever after’. Moving in with someone is definitely one of the biggest decisions you will make and it should not be taken lightly. If you skip the decision-making process and jump right in you might;
- A. Get lucky and it all works out just fine.
- B. You might put a quick end to a young, still blossoming, relationship.
- C. You might find yourself in a situation, which is not only unhealthy but borderline dangerous.
- D. You might move back to your parents and vow never to leave again.
There are some things people will be honest with you about when it comes to sharing a home – and then there are the things that people are unlikely to discuss or will blatantly neglect to tell you. This article aims to uncover the entire process and touch on the decision-making of such a big decision. Keep in mind that you should never consider yourself to be too concerned for your own well-being and of course, what is best for your relationship and circumstances.
The bravest action you can take is to admit that you are not ready to make the big move.
It does not mean the end of a relationship. It simply means that you are wise enough to understand the timing of some important things. If fact, by being honest and waiting for the right time, you might just save the relationship from a certain death by moving in together when the time was just not right. There are so many aspects to consider that one hardly knows where to start; from finances to habits, personal preferences, personal time and space, as well as the current state of your relationship. It might feel like a whirlwind of thoughts and considerations. Here are ten things you should seriously consider before you decide to move in with your partner. If you pay attention to this, you might just save yourself from making a costly mistake.
Table of Contents
- Is Your Primary Reason Because It Would Be Financially Easier?
- Is Your Relationship A Volatile One And Are You Constantly Fighting?
- Have You Discussed Finances And Other Expectations Up Front?
- Do You Constantly Argue With Your Partner?
- How Comfortable Are You Sharing Your Personal Space And Your Free Time?
- Do You See A Future?
- Has The Honeymoon Phase Passed?
- How Domesticated Are You And Your Partner?
- Independence Is Vital
Is Your Primary Reason Because It Would Be Financially Easier?
People move in together for many reasons, however, financial ease should not be a primary reason for wanting to move in with your partner.
If you are basing your decision to share your personal space with someone on easier financial circumstances, you might want to reconsider. Sharing a home with someone surpasses the financial aspect thereof. The saying that you do not know someone until you have shared a house with them is very true. If you have existing financial troubles, moving in with someone will not only put tremendous pressure on you, but it will definitely not resolve your financial issues either.
You also need to ask yourself is whether you and your partner are completely honest with one another regarding your financial statuses.
There are few things worse than moving in with someone just to discover that they are in financial ruins. On the other hand, if you do have something good going, moving in together for financial reasons can potentially ruin that. Ideally, you would want to be financially stable before considering the big move. Financial issues are one of the major contributors to break-ups and divorces. Putting the added stress to a period, which is supposed to be an exciting time, will simply rob you of your joy. Only once the financial benefit is an added bonus as oppose to a primary reason, should you consider moving in together.
Is Your Relationship A Volatile One And Are You Constantly Fighting?
This one should really go without saying! Although constructive arguing might be an important part of a growing a healthy relationship, there is a line.
At a certain point, fighting becomes part of emotional and/or physical abuse.
If you are in such a relationship and not yet living together, you have an upper hand. However, to knowingly move in with someone that has a volatile nature, is giving them the upper hand. Once you are living together, your partner will have access to you at any given point, there is no safe haven that you can resort to.
This is really one of the biggest no-goes in terms of moving in with someone. If you do see hope for the relationship, perhaps counselling could allow you to reach a better place in your relationship before making life-changing decisions that could potentially put you in harm’s way. At the very least, it would give you perceptive on whether your volatile partner is prepared to work on the flaw of the relationship and it gives you a chance to move ahead in your relationship.
If moving in together is open for discussion between you and your partner, you should talk about not only the reasons why you would like to move in together, but also your uncertainties thereof. If your partner is not prepared to acknowledge the concerns raised by you, you are probably better off anyway. Keep in mind that this goes both ways, your partner will also have the opportunity to voice his or her concerns.
Have You Discussed Finances And Other Expectations Up Front?
On the topic of finances, have you and your partner discussed the financial obligation of each party towards the household?
What about all the household chores? There is a lot that needs to done, including cooking, shopping, cleaning, not to mention all the other little things no one ever warns you about. Yes, moving in together is suppose to be a joyous moment, however, that moment can easily disappear when reality kicks in and you find yourself annoyed by things that you should have discussed beforehand. There will be expectations from you and your partner on what needs to be done around the house, these are worth discussing.
Now that we have covered the ‘what’ and ‘who’, let’s get to the issue of how things are done? So, for the last five years you have arranged your household in a certain way, which suits you, now beloved partner comes along with his or her own habits, thus disrupting your order.
Are you prepared to make some serious sacrifices and compromises?
Letting go of habits and consistencies can be a very difficult task. You really need to make sure that you are willing to do all of the above before deciding to move in together. A healthy relationship will allow you and your partner to talk about all these issues openly and in doing so, come to a conclusion that sits well with both of you.
Do You Constantly Argue With Your Partner?
If you have never had an argument with your partner, this too can be a warning sign to postpone the moving date.
Arguing is sometimes easily seen as a negative aspect of a relationship. It has been proven that couples that have constructive arguments have stronger relationships compared to those that don’t.
You might ask why? Arguing is suggestive that two people not only have their own views and opinions but are willing to share them. It is a clear suggestion that there is communication in the relationship at a very real, raw level. No relationship, regardless of the nature thereof, can survive without communication. If you and your partner have never had a heated conversation, it could indicate that both parties do not feel safe enough to express their very real, inner emotions. They might feel that if they were to be honest about their feelings, it could cause a lack of love or respect from the other party.
This is in itself is an emotionally unhealthy state to be in.
It can also mean that both or either party is simply not that invested in the relationship to get to the point of an argument, which should always be followed by a resolution. By constructive arguing, you probably get to know someone 10 fold better as oppose to blissful times. Before making the big decision to move in together, make sure you have enough arguments to give you a fair idea of the true-self of your partner. In the process, you would have grown in the relationship.
How Comfortable Are You Sharing Your Personal Space And Your Free Time?
This is a very big deal! Much of the awkwardness of this aspect can be avoided by engaging in open, non-judgemental conversation.
So it is Saturday morning and you have just moved in with your loved one. Prior to moving in together, the arrangement was that you use to meet up at about 11h00 on a Saturday. But now you are living together. Your significant other jumps out of bed and the crack of dawn with a to-do list, which includes jogging, shopping and a trip to the nursery for new homely plants. However, you have always been accustomed to sleeping in, drinking coffee in bed and reading a couple of pages of your favourite book.
How will this pan out? Will there be a heated argument, in which one party will have to compromise or is it not an issue as you had the savvy to discuss the smaller details of living with someone? This might not seem like a big deal but it could create widespread unhappiness and feelings of entrapment. This by no means is a deal-breaker, it is simply one of those things that if discussed, has the potential to enhance your experience of moving in together and having a happily-ever-after.
Get all the nitty-gritty out the way to ensure you have a good time enjoying the new phase of your life.
Do You See A Future?
Once you have made the decision to move in with someone, it takes the relationship to the next level in terms of everything.
It is not something you can simply walk away from. If for whatever reason you decided that the relationship is no longer what you desire, it is that much harder to simply walk away. There are many things that one must consider, the deposit paid for the rental, the furniture that was purchased together and the new pet you adopted together. These are only the facts and it does not even touch on the emotional and psychological effects thereof.
If you do not see a future with your current partner or have not even thought of it in terms of a life together, now is definitely not a good time to move in together.
Only once, you have thought about it, decided what it is that you want and do a see a future with your current partner, should you start thinking of moving in together.
This does not by any means indicate that you are ready to move in together, as this article aims to express. It simply means that you have started the thought process, which might lead to the move. There is no reason to rush anything when you are in a space of being ready to take the next step; you will automatically have started these thought processes.
Has The Honeymoon Phase Passed?
No person who has their wits about them would recommend that you move in with your partner if all is still bliss and you are smack in the middle of a honeymoon phase.
On the contrary, no such big decisions can be made during this period. Why? You are simply not thinking straight. Making decisions in a cloudy, although a lovely state of mind might end up in regrets later.
All you see and feel is the beauty of new love. However, this sadly does not last forever. You need to get to the core of knowing someone before you can even consider making decisions that will not only affect your immediate relationship but also affect you and your partner in the greater scheme of things. If the honeymoon phase has passed, a few heated but constructive arguments have taken place and the rest of the other points in this article have been dealt with, then you can you make a conscious, clear decision on whether or not you would like to share a home with your partner.
Decisions made in haste do not always work out and this is definitely one of those situations where prevention is better than cure.
Instead of burdening your relationship with all the ‘not so nice’ aspects of moving in together, rather enjoy the period of the honeymoon phase – it will definitely not last forever. Moving in with someone takes a lot of time, effort, arrangements, financial outlay and more. It is a process that should only be started once you are sure you are ready to take the necessary steps.
How Domesticated Are You And Your Partner?
Do you know how the washing machine works? Do you know how to prepare simple meals and how to get red wine stains out of a newly laid carpet?
Have you ever bought cleaning materials, groceries and have had to back it all in its allocated places? Did you know that there are allocated places for cleaning detergents, food, pet food and cleaning equipment? If you answered no to all or any of the above questions, you are definitely not ready to move in with someone. It is something that will hit you like a tonne of bricks!
The work that goes into maintaining a household can simply not be overstated. Every single day there will be something that needs cleaning, repairing or something of the sort. If you have no idea what you are doing, it might turn into a miserable event in your life. You will definitely miss the days when your parents took care of you.
Now we get to the cooking. You are fully aware of the fact that you have to sustain your body. If you do not love cooking, it will become a chore; in fact, it becomes a chore regardless. Everything becomes a chore! Not only do you have to cook the food, you need to buy it, store it and have the basics to prepare it. If you have zero domestic skills perhaps wait it out, build up some skill and try again.
Your last trip together ended up in utter failure? So perhaps you have read this entire article and feel like you are good to go. Perhaps you feel confident enough to call up the estate agent and sign for the beautiful apartment you came across in your quest to move in with someone. Stop! There is more.
Another way to tell whether you are ready to move in with someone or not can come down to your last holiday together.
How did that go? Did it end up in both of you tugging at the opposite end of what to do, where to eat, how to do things? In your short stay together, how many things annoyed you? If all your answers or too many of them are of a negative nature then the answer is NO! You are not ready to move in together.
This method of testing can be used positively, perhaps it went so well that you should, in fact, call up the estate agent, then good for you, just make sure you have covered the other major issues brought to light in this article. You can also use a trip to fish for all the things you are simply going to have to have a talk about before you move in together. Perhaps you realised you partner does not know that dirty dishes actually go into the metal basin in the kitchen and that there is a special place for shoes, called the cupboard.
A trip will help you to see what would need to be spoken about.
Independence Is Vital
By now it should be clear what enormous step moving in with you partner is.
We have spoken about the financial, emotional, psychological and physical aspects of moving with someone. We have mentioned the dangers, the efforts, the added stress, responsibility and more. There is no need to mention, that if done correctly and at the right time, can be a wonderful experience. But the article is not about the wonders of moving in together, it is about getting down to whether you are ready or not.
Being independent is something you should have mastered before trying to be co-dependent with someone else, whether it is your first time moving in with someone or not.
Having that independence and moving in with someone equally independent can eliminate many unnecessary issues and make the experience that much more rewarding. If you were to move in with someone that unlike yourself is not independent, you might just find yourself pulling your hair out.
If you are an independent person, you should be able to perform general household duties, do shopping, understand how to maintain a household, have financial security and more. That in its own reduces many of the issues listed in this article. It sets the foundation of a household that can function optimally, giving you more time to enjoy the actual stay together.